Manana

If I could do the little squiggly line over the first "n", it would be spanish for "tomorrow" and not something that rhymes with banana. Why can't we use Spanish symbols, or Japanese for that matter? The thing with learning other languages is that you forget when the rules that you learned apply to your language, and when they apply somewhere else, which is why at first I didn't capitalize "Spanish", because in Spanish, such things aren't capitalized. They don't even have to capitalize the months! So when I'm writing in English, sometimes I incorporate the rules of whatever (little) languages I know, and it sounds like I'm a very confused person. Most of the time, it makes sense in my head, but since not everyone can live there, I'll have to... I'd say "try harder", but to me, "try harder" means "try". And that might be my rationalization for my horrible grammar/spelling. Although I do blame a lot of my spelling mistakes on subtitles, because a lot of the time, they use the British way of spelling things, so one day, I was talking to a friend of mine online, and I kept writing "practice" "practise", and after about 100 times of writing the word out, I was like, "That's so weird... how it's spelled with an "s"... that doesn't even look right." And she was like, "Um... it's practiCe, Charissa..." And I was incredibly embarrassed, and said, "I know, but in Britian, they spell it with an "S"... isn't that weird, how Britians do that? How they spell things differently... that's what I was saying. I wasn't saying I couldn't spell the word-- I was just saying, isn't it weird how it's still English, but it's spelled different-- if I were to spell it that way, it would be okay, if I were in England-- that's all I'm saying." But yeah... what an intro... the intro to tonight's blog wasn't going to be that long. I either talk to much (probably true) or I'm avoiding what I'm going to write about, which is probably true, too. First of all, it snowed again. Like, ACTUALLY snowed. I came out from work, and my car was covered in snow, and my wipers were still frozen to the windshield from yesterday, and I went 21 mph the entire way back to my apartment and haven't left since, because I really didn't want to drive in this. Last year as I was pulling into the road to get to my mom's apartment, the guy behind me skidded when he was trying to turn and hit another car coming out. I just remember turning left and all of a sudden I heard this big "POP!" which can only be described if you know what it sounds like when two cars really hit each other. Both people were fine, but they weren't even going that fast, and the stupid snow... A part of me really doesn't like this time of the year. I mean, it's Christmas time, and Christmas has been my favorite holiday since, a long time, but... I'm not used to talking about... anything, reall; well, that's not true-- I talk all the time about things that don't matter and I complain all the time, but I'm not used to actually talking about some things. Not because I don't want people to know about them, but because-- well, I'll just go out and say it; a lot of it sounds completely crazy, and I wouldn't expect anyone to believe me anyway, and partially because of how personal it is, and a lot more, so this might come out jumbled, and it probably won't just be because I've tried to learn 3 million languages (I still don't have English down). It was funny, one time at Wendy's, a new girl came in, and we were talking, and she said, "Oh yeah, I've heard about you. You're the genius. Everyone says that you're like, fluent in 5 languages." I just laughed and told her not to believe what she hears, because seriously, I have a hard time understanding myself, and I don't blame anyone not understanding me when I talk. But that's off the subject again... oh my gosh, I feel like Seth now when he told us that Brittney was pregnant-- going on and on and saying nothing... this week-- tomorrow exactly-- will be the 5 year anniversary of Tyler's death. How he died-- who he was, is a very, very long story, and not something that should be placed on a blog, even if I wanted to talk about those things (which that, I actually don't want to talk about). I can't begin to explain what that means to me. It's insane, really-- I mean, we were friends and all for a very, very long time. When I was a teenager, he was like, the only actual friend I had (before I met the Watsons). A friend that was just mine, not anyone else in my family. Everyone said that we were exactly alike, but he was sooooo much better than me. You know how we have the phrase "I did my good deed for the year"? Well after we did something, he would say, "We did our good deed for the second." And that might sound lame to you, but he wasn't lame. He really wasn't. He thought that we were always in debt to God for just being here, so if we helped someone else, it's not like He owed us something. I believed that, too-- I mean, as Mormons, we live by that. But it was... comforting to have him around. He was the only one that probably really understood me and still completely believed in me. I usually don't get both:). I'm not sure anyone does. We went to different colleges, and it's not like I was in love with him, or maybe I was-- it's so hard to tell, since I'm not really good at the whole boyfriend thing. But I loved him. I really, really loved him. Like he was a part of me. I know that happens when you pretty much grow up together, and I know it sounds like a cliche that "you never know what you have until it's gone", but when he died, I really thought that I died, too. It hit me in a way I didn't expect it to. Suddenly, all the things that I get to do that he doesn't. He'll never be a doctor, or get married, (okay, so there's a good chance that I'll never do those things, either). But it was sad to me. All the things he really wanted to do. I couldn't cry anymore. To this day, I have barely cried for one of my best friends. I couldn't laugh anymore. I couldn't feel that much. I felt like I was all numb inside. I really felt like the best part of me had died. Now I know that that's not true-- I'm still who I was then, I was just in shock, or mourning, or whatever... It was finals week, and I was in my apartment, and that song-- the Sarah McLaughlin "Angel" came on, and I just dropped to my knees and cried like that for the last time. On that show-- One Litre of Tears-- when the girl looks at everyone else and thinks, "That was me yesterday-- surely I'll never be able to laugh like that again." That was how I felt. I came home from BYU-Idaho because I thought my family needed me, and because I needed to have surgery, and because of something else that's actually really great but something that's too long to explain here (like, seriously-- I've only really explained it once and it took an hour). But I stayed home because of Tyler. I barely left my house for a year. I didn't want to be around people-- when I was in crowds, everything inside of my head seemed to scream "Get out of here!" to myself, like I was scared of people. But that's how it is when someone you love is suddenly gone for the rest of your life. People really don't understand it until it happens to them. I didn't think it would have that big of an impact on me. But I was obviously wrong. And yes, I'm an idiotic human, and I thought... I was really jealous. I wasn't mad at God for taking Tyler away... I know it wasn't like that... but I was a little mad that God knew we would be such great friends, and then suddenly I was alone. That's stupid, isn't it? I knew when I felt it that it was stupid. I was jealous of other people who seemed like they didn't have some of the things that I was facing in my life-- the people who could still laugh and cry and all of those things. I really missed him, though. There was one person who understood me; who knew all of my secrets, and then suddenly, I was alone. People began to annoy me a lot more-- before I was like, "Well, some people just never had a reason to grow up", but even if that's true, they annoy me now:). I hated snow before Tyler died, so that didn't really change:). You know something weird? I knew him from when I was 13 until I was 19, and I never had a dream with him in it that I can remember. Never until once after he died. And it was a creepy dream-- something about him in a straight jacket, and... yeah. Isn't that weird, though? I have dreams with my teachers in them-- people I don't even talk to. Strange. If I had the chance to have him here, right now, as a person in front of me, I would take it. But I've had a lot happen because of him being gone. For the first time, really, I had to stand on my own. Because it was like we were the same person-- I mean, I had an identity of myself, but I feel... more stable now. Like someone that other people could lean on. I feel... like Tyler. In that way, anyway. What he was to me, I feel like maybe I could someday be that for someone else. I miss him, though. I REALLY miss him. Sometimes it's not as bad, but then sometimes I really, REALLY do. Especially when there are things I can't explain-- when I wish I could just talk to him. Or when I see someone who reminds me of him. Last year on my myspace blog, I wrote how I thought it was finally getting a little easier-- how I think I could finally begin to remember him without feeling that pain. What did I write... :
"But I think finally now, I can start to be happy again. Start to mend again. Part of me wonders if I should feel guilty for this. But whenever I think of Tyler, I feel sad. I feel pain. Is it supposed to be like this? Is this really a good thing? Of course people mourn the loss of the ones they love, but what a cop out! All this time, thinking of how much I lost-- how much Tyler had to never have-- isn't that insulting? If it wasn't for Tyler, how would I have gotten through the last 10 years? His presence was an incredible blessing-- you have no idea-- and-- do you know what a gift I was given?! I hate to use the overused phrase "Tyler wouldn't want me to be sad", but Tyler wouldn't want me to be sad every time I think about him. I don't want to be sad every time I think about him. Instead of thinking how much I've lost, I should be thanking God that I ever knew Tyler Oakley! There should be gratitude and joy and good memories that aren't covered in some sort of sadness along with it. Can I really do that? I don't know. But I'm starting to beleive it might be possible. And I don't want to insult his memory by being sad every time I think of him anymore. How insulting is that to God, who gave me the chance to know him, anyway! I don't want to be that ungrateful. It's time to move on. It's time to be happy again. "
I think I was a lot stronger last year:). But I still feel this way. Maybe it's just because it's the 5th year anniversary, and soon we would have been apart for longer than we had known eachother, and 5 years sounds like a really big deal. And there is literally not an hour that goes by that I don't remember him, because he was my friend. And such a huge part of who I am today, and-- I feel like I should be doing something, but tomorrow's going to come, and... I'll go throughout my day. Which is why every year I have my own memorial for him. This is going to sound lame, too, but I write out whatever song best described my year and how it related to him. Last year's song was "photograph" by Nickelback (the kid version, because it's the only one that's clean). I love that song... I guess I'll close by writing the lyrics:

Look at this photograph
Everytime I do it makes me laugh
How did our eyes get so red
And what the heck is on Joey's head?
And this is where I grew up
I think the present owner fixed it up
I never knew we'd ever went without
The second floor is hard for sneaking out
And this is where I went to school
Most of the time had better things to do
School record says I was late twice
I must have done it half a dozen times
I wonder if it's too late
Should I go back and try to graduate
Life's better now then it was back then
If I was them I wouldn't let me in
Every memory of looking out the back door
I had the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye.
Every memory of walking out the front door
I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye.
Remember the old arcade
Blew every dollar that we ever made
The cops hated us hangin' out
They say somebody went and burned it down
We used to listen to the radio
And sing along with every song we know
We said someday we'd find out how it feels
To sing to more than just the steering wheel
Kim's the first girl I kissed
I was so nervous that I nearly missed
She's had a couple of kids since then
I haven't seen her since... who knows when?
Every memory of looking out the back door
I had the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor
It's hard to say it, time to say itGoodbye, goodbye.
Every memory of walking out the front door
I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye.
I miss that town; I miss the faces
You can't erase; You can't replace it
I miss it now-- I can't believe it
So hard to stay, Too hard to leave it
If I could I relive those days I know the one thing that would never change
Every memory of looking out the back door
I had the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye.
Every memory of walking out the front door
I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye.
Look at this photograph
Everytime I do it makes me laugh
Everytime I do it makes me...

Maybe this makes no sense. But tomorrow I'll be thinking about Tyler Oakley. I probably misspelled a million things in this. But it's too long to proof read, so, sorry.